Friday, April 16, 2010

Of art and wankers.

Right so we had to leave the Tate before security escorted us out thanks to the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Homeless people could do better than this.
I think it was probably done by Gypsies.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry, someone made money from this, which I find funny as they hoodwinked a lot of idiots, but its also on display in a major gallery (major waste of space?) and thousands of people go through every day to ooo and aaah at it.
The abomination I am referring to is this:

Joseph Beuys ~ Lightning with Stag in its Glare
Have a good look.
Yes, those are poops made from clay.
Yes that is an ironing board coated in aluminium
It's strange to look at, but whatever floats your boat.
It wasn't until I read the description that I became slightly upset.
Brace yourself...
"In the massive installation Lightning with Stag in its Glare (1958-85), the suspended, bronze triangle embodies the energy of a powerful flash of lightning, which illuminates a group of half-formed creatures. The ‘stag’ of the title was originally made from an ironing board and then cast in bright aluminium to suggest the glare of the lightning. The cart represents a goat, and the clods of bronze on the floor are primordial creatures. A small compass, mounted on top of a box, is another reference, with the lightning flash itself, to the natural energies of the earth."
Right, those of you who are still with us (assuming some of you have perished after your heads exploded), lets recap.
The huge bronze triangle represents a lightning flash, right.
Half formed creatures, also known as poops. I wasn't aware poops were sentient, I feel a bit bad about flushing so many of them now, oh well.
The 'stag' is made from an ironing board, good(I like how the idiot who filmed this overlayed dodgy pictures onto it, makes it much easier to see.)
The cart represents a goat.
At this point I started screaming about the obscenity of it all. I went through about 15 emotions in 20 seconds from the sheer ridiculousness of it all. We were asked to leave after I tried to strangle some twat wearing a turtle neck and carrying a mac. If the goal of this piece was to trigger emotions/start a genocide of arty types then mission accomplished. Maybe that wasn't the goal, maybe the artist was just high, but whatever the case arty farty turtle necks are first against the wall when my mutant super soldiers take control of the cities. At least the tate was free, it was shit house.

Even before we'd been chucked I'd had 3 better ideas.
1) (obvious but...) replace all the crap with planes, you can never have too many air power museums.

2) The tate is built in an old power plant, so my themed idea was a magnetic race track that would go all over the floor, through some tunnels and up the walls, and upside down on the roof. Racers would mount harleys with metal wheels and then race all around the inside of the tate. The tate would also be renamed to The Thunderdome.

3) maintaining the idea of poops, we will suspend the poops from the roof, the viewer will don a space helmet or fish bowl and run through the poops, being smashed in the helmet as they go. I propose to call this shitstorm in space.

St Pauls Cathedral was awesome and certainly not free at 12 pounds 95 p for entry. Good old tax free christianity, some things never change.
Found the british home of the church of scientology, another trustworthy tax free pyramid scheme

nice digs for religious chaps eh?

and then we found a brilliant pub with spitfire on tap and everything was ok again. Not a bad day overall.. but really just save your cash and go to the RAF Museum, it's fucking awesome. They also have spitfire, both kinds:


  1. I enjoyed that muchly.

    Bloody turtleneck wearing mac wankers...

    I thought mac had redeemed themselves until i realised wasn't mac....

  2. Of course, you are entitled to your opinion regarding the Beuys piece. I agree it is a difficult work of art to comprehend initially. For me though, it does evoke the power of a bolt of sky-splitting lightning, and the strangeness and terror in nature. I think you have to accept the ideas he is making, and the power of Lightning Flash will hit you. What kind of art do you like?


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